you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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