I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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