so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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