i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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