my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize