please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
