All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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