ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
