I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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