Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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