I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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