dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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