bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
