He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
