my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
They left me at home... I'm a liability
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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