if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
