I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She's the barista slut.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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