By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize