ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
