bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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