Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
