I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
