you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My pussy is not your playground.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
