life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
