One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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