we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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