i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
