Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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