just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize