I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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