My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
