I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just found puke in my bra..
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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