as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize