I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
