I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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