Will you blow on my dice?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
