That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
