Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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