It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
