I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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