Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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