If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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