don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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