right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
