i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
