Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
