life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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