I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
