I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Also, beer. Big fan.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
