he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
