i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
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