If i come over, it means nothing
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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