Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
