3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
