just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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