Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
