I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
