If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
